Trump: “I’m Ready, Willing and Able”

WASHINGTON (The Challa Buzz): US President Donald Trump on Tuesday (local time) offered to mediate between Kangana Ranaut and Uddhav Thackeray making it clear that he would do so only if both agreed to the mediation.

“I think as far as Uddhav is concerned, Kangana is not talking. I am certainly willing to help. I think they would in a certain way like my help. But they have to both want it. They have very different views and I am concerned about it,” the US President said.

“Beauty and elegance, whether in a woman, a building, or a work of art, is not just superficial or something pretty to see. I’m disappointed and shocked to see the beautiful building go,” a visibly distraught President said

“I want to call Kangana beautiful but I’m miffed that I have to settle for really smart. I mean, we could say politically correct that look doesn’t matter, but the look obviously matters, you’re not allowed to use the word ‘beautiful’ anymore when you talk about women, you’re not allowed, no, no, it’s politically incorrect. I will never call a woman beautiful again, and every man here, every man here, raise your hand, you will never say your wife, your girlfriend, anybody is beautiful, right?”

“Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. Kangana is killing Uddhav. She is an average talent who’s out of touch with reality,” he said. “She is somewhat of a loser. She’s lonely. She’s unhappy. She’s very miserable.”

“Well, first of all, let me say that I think that Uddhav, or Chief Minister Thackeray, as some people say, is looking to create a state that has great strength economically. I think he’s very much — I talk to him a lot about it, and he’s very much into the fact that — he believes, like I do, that Maharashtra has tremendous economic potential like perhaps few other developing states anywhere in the world.”

“Chief Minister Thackeray has been really very open and terrific, frankly. And I think he wants to see something happen. So, we have done — I think, mutually, we’ve done very well with respect to Maharashtra.”

“Uddhav has been, really, somebody that I’ve gotten to know very well and respect, and hopefully — and I really believe that, over a period of time, a lot of tremendous things will happen. He’s tough, but I get along with him. And maybe that’s a bad thing, but I think it’s a really good thing.”

“And I like Chief Minister Thackeray a lot. I consider him a friend, and — but I like him a lot. I’ve gotten to know him very well. He’s a strong gentleman, right? Anybody that — he’s a strong guy, tough guy.”

“I discovered, for the first time but not the last, that politicians don’t care too much what things cost. It’s not their money.”

“Fake news is a great term, isn’t it? You don’t have this problem in India but we do,” said Trump. “Uddhav said to me ‘We also have. It’s the same.’ I know that is not correct, my friend Modi said to me ‘Media meri mutti mein.’ Prime Minister Modi is a friend of mine and he’s doing a very good job.”

“One without the other does not work, if you want to do the mediation or if you want to do the arbitration. But I would certainly want to help if both Uddhav and Kangana would want to do that. It’s a complex issue, but if both want it, I would be willing to do that,” he added. “I’m ready willing and able. Namaste”

Note: This is a satirical piece. Every quote attributed to Trump in this article is a quote reportedly made by him. From the original quotes, India, Pakistan, Putin, Xi, Kim, Ivanka, Cher and others have been contextually replaced with Kangana and Uddhav Thackeray while retaining the original grammatical errors. The state was substituted for nation, Maharashtra for North Korea and India for Russia. Quotes is italics are a fabrication of the author.

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Kalapani – Indo/Nepal

India Nepal Border Dispute – River Mahakali

What is not under dispute: West of river Kali is India, East is Nepal. 

What is under dispute: Origin of the river Kali. India maintains the origin is Kalapani and Nepal claims it is at Limpiyadhura.

The story so far: Both countries till recently showed the origin of Kali as Kalapani which meant that Lipulekh pass is in India. This pass is on the India Tibet border. The new road built uses the pass to cross over to Tibet. 

Map disputes between Nepal and India existed since 1981 as the stone markers were weathered out and destroyed. A joint commission was set up to replace the markers. This commission, like most commissions that are Indian, did not do their job fully. 

In 1996 a treaty was signed with Nepal that permitted building of a hydel project on the Kali river. The dispute regarding the origin of Kali river was flagged a year later. As good neighbours and long friends the matter was referred to the joint commission set up in 1981 for resolution. 

What has changed now: In November 2019 India issued a new map to reflect the changed status of J & K (from state to union territory). Nepal protested. A week or so later, a new map was issued by India, with one difference from the previous one; Kali river was not named. Did this mean the border was not recognised by India? Nepal protested more vehemently this time and demanded foreign secretary level talks. The talks though agreed to by India remain pending due to diplomatic delays.

Why the sudden flair up: India inaugurated a new road to Manasarovar reducing the travel time for pilgrims. This road goes through Kalapani to Lipulekh pass. The new road aggravated the matter many-fold and came as God sent to Nepal PM, Khadga Prasad Oli.

How does the road benefit Oli:  Under the new constitution of Nepal, the prime minister enjoys a 2 years holiday from no confidence motions. During the 2 years holiday his government cannot be brought down. During this period, he has become rather unpopular and is under tremendous pressure to quit or face a no confidence motion. His rise to power was on the back of a pro nationalistic sentiment (read anti India sentiment). His campaign was marked by a strong anti-India rhetoric in which he claimed India was a worse virus that China. The road allowed him to rachet up the anti-India diatribe and stave off his detractors for now.

Nepal issues a new map: PM Oli had to act quickly. Nepal pulled out an old British era survey map that showed Limpiyadhura as the origin of Kali and the parliament adopted in as the official map. Since the river Kali defines the border between India and Nepal with everything to the west belonging to India and the east to Nepal, Kalapani and Lipulekh being east of a river beginning in Limpiyadhura are in Nepal and so the new road falls in Nepal.

Where are we now:  As things stand, the disputed territory is presently under Indian control. Nepal is open to providing free and unrestricted access including use of the road in the disputed territory but is unwilling to cede the land to India. India on the other hand wants nothing short of Nepal formally acknowledging that the territory in question is an undisputed part of India.