Trump: “I’m Ready, Willing and Able”

WASHINGTON (The Challa Buzz): US President Donald Trump on Tuesday (local time) offered to mediate between Kangana Ranaut and Uddhav Thackeray making it clear that he would do so only if both agreed to the mediation.

“I think as far as Uddhav is concerned, Kangana is not talking. I am certainly willing to help. I think they would in a certain way like my help. But they have to both want it. They have very different views and I am concerned about it,” the US President said.

“Beauty and elegance, whether in a woman, a building, or a work of art, is not just superficial or something pretty to see. I’m disappointed and shocked to see the beautiful building go,” a visibly distraught President said

“I want to call Kangana beautiful but I’m miffed that I have to settle for really smart. I mean, we could say politically correct that look doesn’t matter, but the look obviously matters, you’re not allowed to use the word ‘beautiful’ anymore when you talk about women, you’re not allowed, no, no, it’s politically incorrect. I will never call a woman beautiful again, and every man here, every man here, raise your hand, you will never say your wife, your girlfriend, anybody is beautiful, right?”

“Women have one of the great acts of all time. The smart ones act very feminine and needy, but inside they are real killers. Kangana is killing Uddhav. She is an average talent who’s out of touch with reality,” he said. “She is somewhat of a loser. She’s lonely. She’s unhappy. She’s very miserable.”

“Well, first of all, let me say that I think that Uddhav, or Chief Minister Thackeray, as some people say, is looking to create a state that has great strength economically. I think he’s very much — I talk to him a lot about it, and he’s very much into the fact that — he believes, like I do, that Maharashtra has tremendous economic potential like perhaps few other developing states anywhere in the world.”

“Chief Minister Thackeray has been really very open and terrific, frankly. And I think he wants to see something happen. So, we have done — I think, mutually, we’ve done very well with respect to Maharashtra.”

“Uddhav has been, really, somebody that I’ve gotten to know very well and respect, and hopefully — and I really believe that, over a period of time, a lot of tremendous things will happen. He’s tough, but I get along with him. And maybe that’s a bad thing, but I think it’s a really good thing.”

“And I like Chief Minister Thackeray a lot. I consider him a friend, and — but I like him a lot. I’ve gotten to know him very well. He’s a strong gentleman, right? Anybody that — he’s a strong guy, tough guy.”

“I discovered, for the first time but not the last, that politicians don’t care too much what things cost. It’s not their money.”

“Fake news is a great term, isn’t it? You don’t have this problem in India but we do,” said Trump. “Uddhav said to me ‘We also have. It’s the same.’ I know that is not correct, my friend Modi said to me ‘Media meri mutti mein.’ Prime Minister Modi is a friend of mine and he’s doing a very good job.”

“One without the other does not work, if you want to do the mediation or if you want to do the arbitration. But I would certainly want to help if both Uddhav and Kangana would want to do that. It’s a complex issue, but if both want it, I would be willing to do that,” he added. “I’m ready willing and able. Namaste”

Note: This is a satirical piece. Every quote attributed to Trump in this article is a quote reportedly made by him. From the original quotes, India, Pakistan, Putin, Xi, Kim, Ivanka, Cher and others have been contextually replaced with Kangana and Uddhav Thackeray while retaining the original grammatical errors. The state was substituted for nation, Maharashtra for North Korea and India for Russia. Quotes is italics are a fabrication of the author.

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